making myself at home.

 once again, i can't sleep. this is a common occurence for me, though i've never bothered writing about it much, other than mentioning the problem in passing while journaling. still, i really want to have more of a presence here, in this small corner i've carved for myself a while ago. i want to breathe life into this site and i believe that should start with opening up to fellow webvoyagers.

in real life, i find myself hesitant to speak about my thoughts and feelings, unless it's around someone i deeply trust. i suspect that habit came from a somewhat turbulent childhood, where i was often under scrutiny. not from my family, but from outsiders looking to take advantage of our (back then) less than fortunate situation. those times have thankfully passed, yet the old habits stayed.

perhaps it is because of these old habits that i find refuge on the internet and why i value it so deeply, why i cherish it so and love it so... on the internet, after all, we are nothing but what we choose to disclose. we are unrestrained by any obstacles put before us. the space here is essentially infinite, there is no scarcity. the internet is what i imagine freedom to be.

either way, it is here in this perfect space that i feel most comfortable, even if i didn't exactly have one set home in it, which is why - after camping around for so long - i started building this site. i wanted to do something with my life, even though as a young disabled adult i struggle to find a stable job and can't bring myself to pursue academics. i looked at this vast space, that was already so dear to me, and saw an opportunity to finally claim my own spot, to build an identity of my own and to share my soul with others... and so, share i will.

as i've mentioned above, i struggle with sleeping. i've had this issue most of my life, as a matter of fact. back when i was 7 or 8, i started battling with reoccuring nightmares that plagued me each and every night. now i barely dream anymore, but early on i've caught a horrible habit of being too dependent on knowing the news, causing me to spend much of my teenagehood waking up each hour just to check if anything changed.

nowadays, i simply can't sleep. i've got no nightmares to run from and no alarm to wake up to and yet, i'm stuck here in the waking world. i've stumbled through most treatments one can think of, even including a psychiatrist but as you can tell, all was fruitless.

so i figured, since i'm already sitting there staring at the wall, i might use that time to make myself a little more at home, especially now that it's truly my own, and this was me doing exactly that.