the older i am the softer i get

 i used to be a strangely cold, cynical kid. the younger my age, the harder it was for me to empathize with others and the harder it was for me to care. as the years passed, however, it changed. slowly and at first invisibly i started becoming more and more sensitive.

it's still a surprise to me when i notice that i'm not the same as the child me was, even if that is a painfully obvious consequence of growing up. the change seems so fundamental to my character and yet so subtle, it's easy to forget it ever happened.

yet, it's impossible to ignore when the sight of a tree is enough to move me to tears now. the mere thought of being alive fills me with a bittersweet, reluctant but honest type of happiness. i'm not sure what made me this way but i'm both thankful for it, even if it still scares me at times.

when i was a kid, it seemed normal to go on for days without a single feeling, at least not conscious ones. looking back, i could simply have been repressing them without realizing, perhaps due to my experiences? when i did finally feel, it was muted and washed out, more an idea of a feeling rather than a feeling itself. now, that sort of existence seems absolutely impossible.

i honestly can't bring myself to even try to imagine living without this sensitivity anymore. there's joy in being able to cry, too.